Dealt
by MaxximumRide666
Summary: One mistake can change everything. But as screwed up as her life is, Buffy's learnt to deal. She had to, or she would have been completely gone a long time ago. Buffy focus. Oneshot.


**Author Note: I've been having a hard time of things, lately. Things haven't been going all that well and it even got to the point yesterday, where i actually couldn't even write. I tried, bloody hell, i tried! I tried to put everything i was feeling into words, to get it out of me so that i wouldn't feel so damn horrible. But it didn't work. That was the last straw really!! I need to write, otherwise i'll end up going insane!!**

**So this is basically what this is. I just sat down and typed and this is what i got. I've been watching Buffy a lot lately, i'm nearly done with season 3 and i'm finding it very easy to relate to Faith atm!! But the episode 'Bad Girls' made me think about how messed up Faith could have got after she killed the deputy mayor!! And then i got to thinking what would have happened if it'd been Buffy that'd killed him instead of Faith.  
I know it's kind of extreme but that's kinda how i'm feeling atm and i just wanna get it out of my system so i can get back to writing my other stories!! And maybe when everything finally gets sorted out in my life and it gets back to normal, i can do just that!**

**Okay, before we start, i wanna say two things, both of them to one dude, my beta, Lord Jellyfish. First, sorry that i didn't tell you about this or let you read it first so if there are any mistakes, that's why!! But i just felt the need to live 'dangerously' for once! And secondly, thank you. You're awesome and an amazing friend, thanks for helping with everything, i know i can count on you =)**

**Well... now that i've rambled and ranted away and made myself sound both insane and slightly suicidal (XD), on with the show!!**

**Warning, contains a lot of strong language, so sorry =S but i didn't wanna edit it out.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or any of the characters**

**Dealt**

It isn't fair. Why is life so fucked up? To be more precise, why is my life so fucked up?

I used to be someone, okay not someone famous or important like the president or anything, but I was someone.

Someone with friends, with a family, with a home.

But not now. Now I have nothing. Fuck all.

Once upon a time, I'd have given my life for my friends and my family. I'd have fought for them to my last breath, kicking and punching and slashing and stabbing. I wouldn't have given up, not if it meant I'd lose the most important people in the world.

But now? Now I got nothing left to lose. No one left to care about, nothing worth protecting or giving my life for. And you know what?

I'm glad. I'm so fucking goddamn glad, because now I'm free. I'm free to do whatever the fuck I want and be whoever the fuck I want. Fuck everyone else, fuck the whole goddamn world! This is my life. I make the rules; I say what goes, I say how I live. It's up to me now.

No one else. Just me.

Not my mom or my dad, not my watcher or the Council, and _especially _not my friends.

Friends. That's a laugh. When you're a kid, you think friends are the most important thing in the whole world. You think as long as you have friends, it'll all be okay.

What a fucking joke. My _friends _are the reason I'm like this in the first place! They don't give a shit, not anymore.

Oh they did care!

Once.

But not now. Not now that I'm useless to them, not now that I'm no longer Miss. Fucking Perfect.

Miss. Save-the-world-from-unspeakable-evil!

No, they don't need me anymore. They've got someone _else _now.

I've changed, even I can see that. But you know what? I don't give a fuck. I'm better now, better than I've ever been. Better than all of them, because I'm free. Free at last, free from everything and everyone who ever tried to hold me back, hold me down and use me. Not anymore.

No one can stop me now. Not that anyone cares enough to stop me, but if they did they couldn't!

Because I'm faster, smarter, stronger than I've ever been before. This is where I belong. Out here on the streets, in the darkest corners of the world where the most evil, unspeakable filth of the human race lives.

I'm better than them now. I don't need anyone. All I need, the only person I can ever truly count on, ever really trust, is myself.

And at the end of the day, that's all any of us have ever got.

You want to stay alive? Then the only person you need to worry about is yourself. No one else is going to worry about you, because they care more about themselves.

Even your best friend would choose to save her own life over yours.

But then, so would I.

I have no intention of dying. Not again, not anytime soon, at least. Neither do I have any intention of letting the Council get a hold of me and ship me to England so they can lock me away for the rest of my life.

Huh. As if they'd stand a chance against me anyway.

I'm the slayer! The chosen one, and all that shit.

I didn't ask for it, I didn't want it, but I got it anyway.

Fuck the Council! Fuck them trying to order me around and get me to fight their fucked up war for them. They started it so they can fucking well finish it!

And anyway, they have another Slayer. What the fuck do they need me for since she's so much better than I am? So much saner, so much more willing… and so much less of a killer.

Well she must be better than me if she managed to come into _my town _and take over _my life _and steal _my friends_!

It pissed me off then, when she was doing it right in front of my eyes. But not so much now. I'm over it. But if things had been different, it would have been her roaming the streets of LA at night, looking for something to beat the shit out of. Not because it's her sacred duty, but because she can. Because she's got nowhere to go, no one to be with and nothing better to do.

You know what? If – no, _when_ the world ends, before I get eaten by some giant, invincible demon or sucked into some hell dimension, I'm going to laugh.

I'm going to laugh and have the satisfaction of saying I was right.

That I was the only one that knew she'd fuck up. Get herself killed, or let some demon get its hands on some stone evil thing that swallows the world.

I knew that they'd need me, that I'd be the only one able to save them.

I'm going to stand on the highest building I can find and watch as everything goes to hell, and I'm not speaking metaphorically. I'm going to stand there and laugh and I'm going to scream until my lungs give out that _I was right_.

That I am better than them. All of them.

Better than her.

I'll finally be free from this fucked up existence you call living.

It wasn't meant to be this way, but I know now that things never turn out how you expect. So you just gotta deal.

And that's what I've done.

Dealt.

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**Author Note: I hope that wasn't too depressing for you all, but i feel a little better now. **

**....Hmmm just realised, this may be the very first non-femslash orientated story i've written and posted on here!! Wow. I'm worse than i thought... =/ oh well. Later guys**


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